Parent-Student Communication: Talking About Grades, Stress, and Growth

Middle schoolers can be sensitive and defensive when conversations occur about their grades and the stress surrounding them. As parents, we want to fix or correct behaviors when we see our student struggling. Grades can come across as a judgment even when we don’t mean them to.

Middle School is the Training Ground for High School  

In high school, students are expected to do “all things” independently, such as seeking help and managing pressure. In middle school, encourage your child to own these responsibilities without your help. Teach them the proper way to ask for help with concepts they don’t understand or to request a help session. Giving students the opportunity to talk about the challenges they are facing will give them the confidence to do this in high school without shutting down.

Grades Are Not Their Identity 

Students’ grades should not be a way for us to identify them. Asking intentional, process-based questions will encourage them to share how they feel. For example, ask, “What felt hard? What surprised you?” instead of “What happened?” During your conversations, remind students that grades are feedback that allows them to reflect, looking for patterns and strategies. Make a plan of action if needed. 

Addressing Stress Without Minimizing or Escalating It 

Stress can look very different for every child. Students can experience helpful, unhelpful, or chronic stress. Once you have identified the type of stress your child may be under, validate that stress is okay and that we all experience it. When avoidance occurs, students may have missing work or disengage from family and friends. Share strategies, such as taking breaks, listening to their feelings and concerns, and setting goals with them to cope with stress.  

Shifting the Focus to Growth 

Daily or weekly reflection helps students see progress or improvements that may be needed, giving them an opportunity to respond appropriately. As adults, we can model for our children how we react to daily occurrences, mistakes, and feedback. As students make these connections between their effort, strategies, and outcomes, results will show resilience and students will begin to develop growth-focused and problem-solving attitudes.

Consistent, Healthy Communication 

The ultimate goal is to prepare students for high school by encouraging them to self-advocate regarding their grades. As they go through middle school, allow them to have more honest conversations with you about their feelings toward grades and stress. Encourage them to view challenges not as stress or defeat, but rather as something they can manage and will overcome.